On stumbling across Unitarians

On stumbling across Unitarians

 
(I wrote this piece on a work trip to Malta last July.)

Nearly 4 years ago just before my ‘retirement’ I found myself in hospital for 13 days after surgery on a broken leg following a bicycle accident. During those days and nights I had plenty of time to think and to stare out of the window. Some of my planned retirement plans that I had held for a number of years were dropped. One in particular was to be more involved with Quakers. I had been a member for over 20 years during the busiest time of my life. It suddenly became crystal clear to me that being a Quaker no longer fitted for me.
 
So what next? Once mobile again I decided to check out my local Christian churches in South Manchester. Over the next 18 months or so I visited 8 such churches – 3 C of E, 1 Baptist, URC, joint Baptist-URC, Methodist, and Metropolitan. I could almost have drawn up a trip adviser table of my reactions to these churches or perhaps it was more like Goldilocks! I found myself enjoying singing hymns again, enjoying the ritual of communion and some parts of some of the sermons I heard. I was made welcome in all situations. I found myself attending 2 of the churches fairly regularly for a while but not feeling totally happy with either.  

I was more of less reconciled to this situation when I was at someone’s graduation meal one year ago and a stranger mentioned that she went to a meditation class held at my local Chorlton Unitarian chapel.  ‘Hmm’ I thought, ‘why have I not tried them out?’ Curiously I had visited a Bridge club held there and also had been at a rehearsal of the choir I belong to in Cross Street Chapel.

 

My first Unitarian service in Chorlton was life changing! We were sat in a horse shoe formation so I could see everyone and a chalice was passed round. There were readings, prayers and hymns/songs from a range of religious and spiritual perspectives many of which resonated with me. One of the biggest surprises for me was to hear transpersonal language and ideas used in the service which was lead in an engaging way by Laura Dobson. I had never experienced transpersonal ideas in a religious setting before.

 As a young man I had started to have experiences of loving connectedness with nature which I later realised was a form of mystical or spiritual experience. It was hard for me to locate such experiences within Christianity in the late 1960s but by the 1990s I was able to find a home in Quakers who were seemingly mystics but I was still reluctant to voice these experiences especially when they involved swirling colours. In my experience people hardly ever discussed what had happened to them in the silence of the Quaker Meeting. Thus hearing transpersonal language used in my first ever Unitarian service was so welcoming.

In the end it was Cross Street that did it for me. There were a number of synchronous events. For example one Sunday walking to the service I found myself thinking of the medieval mystic Julian of Norwich – ‘All will be well’ and then in his sermon Cody Coyne refers to Julian and this same quote. Then on another Sunday on the way to Cross Street I was thinking of the Serenity prayer and Cody quoted it that morning. Another time in another sermon I am hearing an implicit mention of the philosopher Martin Buber, a favourite of mine and Cody confirmed yes he was thinking of Buber.

 

Somehow I managed to get over my habitual shyness and respond to the warmth of the welcome I received. It was helpful that in the service Cody usually invited any of us who wished to come forward and lit a candle to celebrate an event in our lives or to commemorate something more painful. This put me in touch with the realities of the lives of my fellow attenders. It led people to ask me about events in my life that I mentioned.  It also helped that we all sat at one table so I did not have to make an awkward choice of which table to sit at. Curiously volunteering one Sunday to serve tea and coffee also helped to break the ice – a great way to strike up casual conversations.

 

Later I came to realise that Unitarians have a range of experiences, beliefs and words to describe how they understand spirituality and that there is no pressure on me to fit in or accept other people views; more the delight in swapping experiences, ideas, meanings. And of course Unitarians seem a great place to discern my way forward and to deal with the spiritual uncertainties raised by my ‘retirement’.

Manchester Pride

Manchester Pride – Some After Thoughts

This year I finally got to take part in the Manchester Pride march. It was stunning; I enjoyed it so much and felt a real energy and excitement. I marched with my new Unitarian friends. It felt so good to be seen among a religious group that welcomes and indeed will marry LBGTQ+ people. The march was delayed for half an hour due to an evangelical Christian protest against it. This may well have added to the warmth of the reception we received on the march particularly from young people.
 
When we see some people as different or ‘other’ to our selves it can be the start of something not good, even toxic. Yes we all have differences around class, age, sex, race, gender, faith, disability and health. But these differences can be the basis of prejudice – conscious or unconscious. ‘Othering’ is one way of thinking about and catching hold of this moment. Think for a moment about the wonderful T shirt that says ‘Never kissed a Tory’. That is ‘othering’. There are some decent good Tory voters out there and even the odd MP. OK the T shirt is a joke but….
 
So welcoming different people rather than ‘othering’ them changes our faith groups, Bridge classes, workplaces etc. for the better. But it feels even more than that to me; when I stop ‘othering’ you I also stop ‘othering’ parts of myself.

I have a very good old friend of mine who has been in hospital, in intensive care for all of the summer. We used to go to a weekly Bridge class together and then have lunch over which we put the world to rights as well as occasional bike rides. He retired the year before me, also has grandchildren, has an understanding of the therapy world (which is important to me) and shares most of my politics. In his absence from my life, since even though I visit him regularly most of the time he has been unable to speak, I have reflected on what he means to me.

He has meant many seemingly little things to me, mostly unacknowledged until now but when this is all added up I start to see that it is about love. I then reflect on the other men who are important to me (and women too) and acknowledge that I love them as well. So when I get forms that ask me: am I single, married, divorced etc. or straight/ heterosexual, gay, lesbian, trans etc I feel this is missing the real or fuller me. It is no longer whether I have sex with someone that defines who I am its whether I love them or not. This may reflect my age but I am glad to know this and it feels like it is part of my ongoing experience of Glad Pride.

The Boss consults Q his spiritual director once more

The Boss consults his spiritual director Q once again

-                      Hi Q.

-                      His Boss, what’s happening?

-                      Well, a very good friend of mine is very ill in hospital and it raises all sorts of faith issues for me. (Q nods)… If I can have an explanation-

-                      Of suffering?

-                      Yes, of suffering…. If I can have an explanation that makes sense to me that would be a real comfort. I don’t want glib stuff about karma or God’s will – I can’t fight God in any case though I do get angry with her or him….. But I want to know why horrid illnesses exist and why good people suffer them and what we are supposed to do learn – enlightenment in the suffering? It seems like the impact of other people’s suffering is both making me more tender about human life and planet earth but also distancing me from putting my trust in my life continuing. It’s saying ‘Wow! All you have is now. Nothing more is guaranteed. Sooner or later you will die – possibly after (what will seem like) endless pain and suffering.

-                      Oh.

-                      Yes, oh!

-                      I have no answer to that.

-                      Gee thanks!

-                      But…

-                      But?

-                      But life is all about love and loss… Don’t fight it …. Feel it … move on….

-                      That’s all very well.

-                      I know.

-                      Well then… It’s like I am being asked to change how I am in relation to existence and it feels like trauma or the eye of a needle and as sure as hell I am a fat camel* (They both laugh.)

-                      Don’t fight it…breath and accept it.

-                      Oh Christ!.... Sorry Q for the blasphemy.

-                      Didn’t seem like blasphemy to me.

The Boss nods.

-                      Well it now feels like the Serenity prayer -  God grant me the serenity/To accept the things I cannot change/Courage to change the things I can;/And wisdom to know the difference. And sure as hell I can’t do much about suffering; some of it is inevitable. But that wont stop me loving people in my life!

Q smiles – that’s it!

*Jesus said somewhere in the New Testament that it was easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. But apparently the Eye of the Needle was a narrow gateway in Jerusalem that a camel could squeeze through.

The Boss meets Q his Spiritual Director once more

The Boss meets Q his Spiritual Director once more

      -          Hi Q.

-          Hi Boss…. How goes?

The Boss sits down in the usual comfortable chair in Q’s study and, as ever, admires the icon on the wall beside him.

-          I wont let myself be distracted by that wonderful icon.

Q nods.

-          The thing is now that I am, kind of retired (sucks air threw his teeth noisily)… need another word for retirement, but….the thing is, I feel that I should be offering some kind of care to others, maybe part of a charity or whatever but I don’t want to! And I feel guilty that I could be doing this good work but I wont. I keep coming back to this question but a small voice inside says ‘No’.

 

-          Hmm, how long has this been going on?

 

-          For years but when I was working full-time I could resist this without feeling much guilt. Indeed it was part of my fantasy retirement to do such good works but no. And every time I pose the question to myself the answer still comes back as ‘No’… So I guess I have to trust it.

 

-          Hmm…. And what then?

 

-          What then (Q nods) (the Boss sucks air in threw his teeth once more)…. Well, it might sound stupid but…..but I feel something is going on for me spiritually which I don’t truly understand – it may not even be helpful for me to understand it just yet…. So I have to be patience but (the Boss grits his teeth) that is hard for me!

-          Have you been there before?

-          (The Boss nods vigorously) Yes I have had moments of deep change in my life and they have taken years to happen.

-          Ah.

-          Yes, years and then it all makes sense. It feels like that I am in the middle of such a change now and just have to have patience.

-          Where else can you be?.... And what helps?

-          What helps?..... Talking with you, friends and family. Making sure that I am not going crazy…. Having some quiet times…. Long bikes and so on.

-          Sounds like you know what to do.

-          Hmm (grumpily) thought you say something like that.

-          Well…. If it true put it to use…. If it does not seem to be so let’s examine it again. Meanwhile keep talking.

-          Yeah (reluctantly).

Including mine - poem for my sister

Including mine – poem for my sister

 
My sister was no heroine
She didn’t change the world
She lived a quiet life
In our small home town
 
I was surprised
By how many people
Turned up at her funeral
Friends, co-workers from the charity shop
She volunteered in for years
 
She had made many small differences
In quite a few lives
Including mine.

Everyoen the same (poem for my Dad)

Everyone the same (poem for my Dad)

 You were oiling your sewing machine

I watched totally wrapped up
You let me clear away some of the fluff
And it looked brand new
You smiled at me
 
I had my usual green fizzy pop
At the café at the top of the street
I loved those meals out
And still do
 
Your factory has gone
And so has the café
And so has my sister
Who learnt how to sew
From you

 Me    I learnt how

To be awkward
To be independent
To treat everyone the same
With no airs and graces.

Depression

The anti-psychiatrist David cooper famously wrote “All labels are lethal” referring to mental health diagnoses. I still remain shaken – years later - by how a colleague of mine at the University of Manchester once referred to one of our students as ‘schizoid’. This same student seemed to open up readily and healthily enough when I was empathic with her.

 We should see such labels not as diagnoses but as symptoms. Then consider the causes of these symptoms and the best healing response. So ‘depressive symptoms’ might be caused by low Vitamin D, Iron levels or thyroid functioning and other physical causes. They could be the side effects of medications including anti depressants! So the best GPs do blood tests early on.

 Depressive symptoms could be a sign of a ‘dark night of the soul’ or some other form of spiritual emergenc/e/y. Or perhaps facing a challenging step up in one’s life e.g. leaving home, or someone close to you dying. In these cases talking therapies can help.

 Or a mixture of physical, mental and spiritual. It is no surprise that NICE recommends medication plus talking therapies but try getting that on the NHS!

 Arnold Mindell, the Process Orientated psychotherapist worked with people in comas. He picked up on the often minimal response clients might make to him and worked with that. So if someone is withdrawn and lies in their bed facing the wall you can still be with them and love them. And God help us when it happens to you or me.

 PS To lighten the note. When my nearest came back from a Transactional Analysis course some years ago she decided I was schizoid.  I thought for a moment and said, “No, I am a mystic!”