Thomas meets Julian

Thomas meets with Julian - Hello again Julian, it is good to be here. - You too Thomas…. Always good to see you…. What bring you here today? - The usual….. Although that could be seen as diminishing the significance of what troubles me and its impact on me. - Go on. - Well, I have several dear friends with significant and life changing health issues. It seems mean and unfair. They are all good decent people who deserve better. - Hmm. - Please don’t tell me it’s God’s will that they should suffer. - I wont and I don’t believe that is the case…. However- - However? - Yes, however…. However, we might understand this suffering, what it does invite is love and tenderness from those around them…. And dare I say it?.... Yes, I do, love and tenderness towards themselves. - Wow! - Yes, wow… Suffering is finite. It ends so yhe important point is the journeying and what we can learn from it. - Oh no Julian that is tough, really tough. And I can only accept that from you as I know you have suffered. - True but this is not about me. - OK and it is not about me or rather not just about me… Even though it can be heart breaking to witness my friends’ suffering. Julian nods. - Rather than being theologically clever about this – Heaven forbid. - Thomas smiles – Heaven forbid. - How about how a pearl is formed when an oyster swallows some grit. So maybe pearls develop over time inside us as we suffer. - Hmmm, I quite like that. - Me too.

Spiritual Practices

Over these past few years since I retired from full-time work in 2015, spirituality has become increasingly important to me as will be apparent from my posts. Some regular activities in my life have a spiritual flavour to them, so much so I refer to them as spiritual practices: 1) My regular early morning 2 hour bike ride which does wonders for me and I do it 3 times a week if at all possible. I am out in nature and not too many people about; I pray at a regular point on my journey; my head clears, I compose poems, posts and sermons and write some of it down when I get home, I pass a church on the route and if the bells ring I remember people who have died. 2) I love my fresh made bagels and if I get up early which I often do I might just make this, especially if we have visitors. You can't rush it; you have to wait for the dough to rise. Its timeless and nothing else to do. 3) I have been going to Death Cafe for over 7 years and it meets in one of my favourite cafes - T Hive - which is just round the corner from me. We say what we need to say without worrying. At the end of the gathering I leave always feeling uplifted. My physical life in this body is finite so I need to enjoy the moment(s) and to be thankful that I and you are here. 4) Singing in a community choir which is non religious but boy the music and lyrics are so so spiritual. And we rehearse in a church and I can feel the spiritual energies there. And we breathe in unison and our heart beats apparently start to synchronise. 5) And of course walking in the countryside seeing flowers, trees, clouds, sunshine, rain and rainbows. 6) Visiting holy places/places of worship that often have such amazing spiritual energies - York Minster, Glastonbury Tor, Lindisfarne, Avebury and plenty more. And the energies are subtly different on each visit. "May the long time sun shine on you And all love surround you And the pure light within you Guide your way home"

Holy Moments

In Cross Chapel this morning for the final rehearsal for the lunchtime Advent Concert. Listening to Robert the tenor do a solo with lovely piano and flute playing. Spirit rises in me and I am weeping with joy and appreciation. It's a holy moment. I haven't earnt these moments (unless in a past life!) them seem to be part of how I am wired. Again and again I am blessed with such moments; they have changed my life for the better. I am grateful.

Richmal Crompton and I

Richmal Crompton who wrote the Just William books – who I was named after at it was on the radio when my mum was pregnant with me(!) – always wanted to be a serious novelist. She did have one such book published, which I have read and it is OK, but it was the William books that hit the spot. As a teenager I wanted to be a poet and fiction writer and have written off and on ever since but never with any great success – a few poems published and the odd short story mostly online. I have enjoyed at times reading my poems and getting immediate audience reactions but it did take it out of me so I stopped doing it. Anyway instead and almost accidentally I became an academic aged 43 and to get and keep a full time post I had to have stuff published in academic journals. At the time I got some great support from my PhD supervisor Prof John McLeod. And more recently, now no longer in post I just write on request, usually the odd book chapter and paper. A new voice has emerged from which is more personal, more autoethnographic and less referenced. Curiously this part off me feeds over into sermons and homilies when I am asked to take a Unitarian Service at Cross Street. 2 of my favourite recent papers, which I enjoy re-reading, were published by the extraordinary Journal of Critical Psychology, Counselling and Psychotherapy are ‘On becoming (a) patient’ which draws on my 13 days in hospital with a broken leg in 2014 and ‘Hymns to the silence’ 2021 about my spiritual experiences and music. So, I have learnt that my conscious ambitions are not necessarily what happen to me but are general pointers. A writer Yes but probably not fiction. In the late 1980s I wanted to run some therapy groups in the USA. I sent about a dozen letters to contacts there but nothing happened – probably coals to Newcastle as it were. But I also wrote to an American contact in Japan. He replied that he was about to write to me to invite me over. I had 3 lovely visits over the next few years. So perhaps I can honour what I have done and the good ways I have been put to use; not about my personal ambition but about what is needed from me.

Lets grow

During Covid, Brexit, Ukraine War food supplies to the UK have been disrupted as has harvesting. Climate change is going to make all this worse. So we need to grow and harvest more locally and eat less meat. Ideally our government would set targets and support this. We can grow more in our back gardens and in pots and more allotments would be a good thing. Dig for survival! And we need a different better relationship with each other and with our planet. If you like a Buber I/Thou relationship. So there is a need for a healthy and inclusive spirituality to be part of this new life.

Poem for Chris

Poem for Chris// I am sure the time/ Was just right/ For your soul// But you left us/ Way…. Way too soon// We still re-member you/ There is a Chris shaped/ Hole in our hearts// (Amen)

Expresso Cafes

As a teenager growing up in the 1960s in a small town where everyone seemed to know me and when I was out and about on a Saturday night people would tell my parents all about it until I got to drive and hang out in the big city - Birmingham. I used to hang out in cafes in y home town on Saturday mornings with Chunky and Ziggy. These were safe places and usually had expresso coffee, juke boxes and pin ball machines. Imagine me hearing Pete Townsend of The Who singing My Generation – ‘Why don’t you all f-f-f-f fade away?’ Of course it was obvious he wanted to sing ‘Why don’t you all f*ck off?’ I needed this safe space to be in and to be with who I was. That has not changed for me. I still use cafes this way, alone or with safe friends. You know who you are. This was because I did not really feel that I belonged in my birth family. Not that unusual a feeling. I thought I might have been adopted but my mum told too many stories about me as a baby. I also did not like some aspects of what young men were supposed to be and still don’t. I wanted to be free to be me but without a fight just to sit with the realization. What is clear to me now is that I can choose how I present myself – and that can be real fun – but I can not choose who I am. It’s an ongoing process of discovery and coming to terms with being human and not an angel

Hair today - poem

Went to my hairdressers a few days ago and noticed how thin my hair was. So: Hair Today/ I am developing a tonsure/ But I don't have the wisdom/ Of a monk or a holy man/ In fact/ I am no wiser/ Than the hairy young man/ I used to be.

The Boss meets Q once more

The Boss meets with Q once more - Hi Boss. - Hi Q. There was a silence that the Boss was unwilling to break. It just felt so good to be sitting quietly in the presence of Q. But he had come to Q with something on his mind, indeed on his body – he could feel the tension in his guts. - Oh Q, I am still wrestling with suffering. - Hmm. - Yeah…. Two old friends of mine are both getting slowly frailer. At least they have each other and their son does live nearby…. And I have a delightful neighbour who keeps getting strokes…. It seems so unfair for people, for anyone to suffer so but especially those I care about. And don’t get me started on my family and close friends. - Sounds very troubling. - It is… and I used to think we had more agency, more choices, more responsibility. And I guess we do but some of this just seems to come from nowhere which makes it even more scary… - Hmm. - Yeah. Hmmm… Yet I still cling to a benevolent Creator despite all of this. Which means I can’t understand suffering. - Maybe you need not so much to understand it as to find a way to make your peace with it. The Boss snorts. - Oh really! Q smiles. - Yes. - And how might I do that? - Well it is a process that might never end but I know that there are times when you are at peace with this. - I am? - Yes… when you are in a deep contemplative space or in the high of a mystical experience. - True but I only wish I could hang on to that…. Bring it back into my ordinary life. - I think you do! - Really? - Yes, really. Otherwise you would be weeping even more than you usually do…. And who knows what a state you would then be in! The Boss sighs and they both find themselves in a comfortable silence.

I wept for you - poem

I wept for you/ The trouble with loving people/ Is to be present to their suffering/ Especially when the hard facts of it can’t be changed/ The only consolation/ Is to change the soft side of it/ Which might, just might/ Make it more bearable/

The Boss meets Q virutally

The Boss meets Q virtually during the pandemic - Hi Q. - Hi Boss. - Good to see you. - You too, Boss … How goes? - Well … I am coping with the pandemic OK … crawling up the walls some days. But getting out when I can does help. The Boss nods. - But just before the first lockdown I had some new projects in the air almost ready to go and then … The thing is that IK thought they were what God wanted me to do. - Hmm. - Yes. And now I don’t know. I am waiting to see if they feel right to resume later this year. But they will be different and so will I. - In what way? - Older …probably not wiser … valuing people in my life so much more; nature has been wonderful to me; the simple things of life matter more. The thing I used to worry about they matter so much less when death is so close. - Hmm, says Q and they both drift into a deep and settled silence

Be at Peace with me - Poem

Be at peace with me/ For I don’t know how long we have got/ And I so wish for you to be/ At peace when we part/ As in these bodies we must/ Sooner or later/ But what of our souls?/ We have more choice/ Dare I say more agency?/ If we know that/ As Truth.

On meeting a snake in Kenya

On meeting a snake in Kenya A few years ago, on a regular work trip to Kenya, after the usual international counselling conference – which was as ever stunning and humbling to hear of the amazing work being done – I was taken off on a weekend away to a rather comfortable campsite on a small island in the middle of a lake. I had a very comfortable tent to myself with a real bed and a shower. Late afternoon walking into my tent I noticed a colourful snake. I carefully edged out and rain to reception and the manager came back with me to the tent. The snake had taken off but the manager assured me it was not poisonous. I eventually managed to sleep that night! Later the next day as my colleagues were having an afternoon nap I scoured the bookshelves for something to read. I came across a nature book with a chapter on snakes and low and behold I found my snake. And it was poisonous! I found the manager again and this time he said Yes it was poisonous and had it bit me I would have been dead before they got me to the mainland hospital!

On meeting a tree in Alex Park

On meeting a tree in Alex Park In the winter of 1970 when I was in my final year at the University of Manchester me and my girl friend split up and soon after I moved into a bedsit in Whalley Range and had a miserable time for about 3 months. I nearly quit my course – Computer Science – and indeed missed the mock exams just after Christmas. I walked around the streets and Alexandra Park restlessly. I remember walking late night about 3am when I couldn’t sleep and being stunned by the dawn chorus. Then one day in March I was walking in Alex Park and a tree was light up with the energy of Spring. This touched me deeply- I would now say to my very soul - and raised my spirits. This was a turning point for me in more ways than one. I had been touched by nature before. The first time I saw the Highlands of Scotland in Summer 1969 I felt a love but this tree had a deeper effect on me. I spoke to my cousin Ben who was doing Literature and he said ‘Wordsworth’. He was right Wordsworth spoke to my condition, to use a Quaker phrase. And like Wordsworth nature became my teacher. Later I would become aware of the energies present at sacred sites and religious buildings. (And of course, the energies between people but that is another story!). A few months later I was walking near my family home in Habberley Valley and nature was around me and a voice speaks inside me and says ‘Love is the essence of being’. I didn’t understand what these words meant at the time and perhaps I still only provisionally understand. My religious beliefs, my personal theology, as it were, comes from my encounter with this tree. It took me a long time to reconcile these experiences of mine and their impact on me with religion but again another story.

The Boss and Q meet again

The Boss and Q meet again - Hi Boss. - Hi Q…. How goes? - So, so. - Hmmm. - Yeah, it’s suffering again… (The Boss sighs) … You know when I was a young man I naively believed that if you gave people the right information they would act in their and others best interests. It didn’t work. Then in my twenties I came across therapy and thought ‘Aha’ if people can be healed of some of the damage done to them then they will be able to change the world for the better. But no…… And now as I get older and people around me get iller I just see suffering. - Hmm. - Suffering! And… some of it can be helped but a lot of it can’t and just has to be lived with. - Sure. - And I find it hard to be with suffering especially with those close to me… I like to make a difference. - But being with people in their suffering makes a difference! - Oh…. (The Boss tears up.) - And that it sometimes really hard… just staying with someone suffering and not able to make things better. The Boss nods, not trusting himself to speak without crying. They go into a comfortable silence together. And as this silence deepens the Boss begins to feel better as he experiences the value of being present to suffering and the tears flow silently down his face.

C-changes

On my early morning bike ride today I reflected on how shouting at people is not a good way to try and change their behaviours and attitudes. OK sometimes we need to shout or get angry and it is a communication. However, the best way of changing people’s minds is by listening to them and being heard by them. I think the unfinished peace process in Northern Ireland is a fine example of some progress being made even by people who powerfully disagree with each other but who are willing to put down the guns and talk and talk. And notice how much support other people, politicians from outside Ireland gave to this. I had a very opinionated father who read the Daily Telegraph whilst I read the Guardian at my school from the age of 13. I was the idealistic teenager that he had been and he couldn‘t bear it in me or him. So when I left home at 18 to go to Uni (main criteria I used anywhere 100 or more miles from home!) I was able to delight in exploring radical thought and actions. I enjoyed hanging out with people who had a range of viewpoints and I felt no need to tow a party line or convert people to my viewpoint. Still don’t because my views have evolved over time and thus are provisional and I would hate you to get stuck in my past! Having said that I think there is a lot to be said for compassion and self compassion as a way to life but don’t see me as a good example! I notice that change occurs when there is some kind of consensus evolving compromises and good people from across the political spectrum co-operating. During lockdown there was a real sense of community adhesion and mutual support, not total, not involving everyone, not perfect but a lovely spirit nonetheless. I think Extinction Rebellion is an interesting and timely example. They can’t force us to change. Their protest can invite us to think and act. And Covid itself seems to have raised some environmental issues. At the end of the day Extinction Rebellion will only succeed if enough of the people and their politicians get the point and are moved to act. The same is true of Black Lives Matter. Just before Lockdown a fellow Unitarian was critical of Extinction Rebellion and referred to them as ‘childish’. I was disappointed as this did not match my view of him. In that moment I could not speak to him about it. Next time I am face-to-face with him I will tenderly open up a conversation with a willingness to hear him.

Sure thing - the Boss meets Q again

Sure thing – The Boss meets Q once again

- Hi Q
- Hi Boss …… What brings you here?
The Boss sighs.
- Ah…. You know I have so many people around me chronically ill…. Not just old people – which is bad enough … but younger ones… their suffering gests to me.
- Hmm.
- And this dos various things to me…. Causes me to despair… to weep…. To doubt about God and creation…
- Ahhh.
- Yes, Ahhh…. And I know that when I have a spiritual moment everything makes sense …. And I can mostly hang on to the memory of that sense making…
- But?
- But in that moment of despair I feel things are not fair; it’s not just and I struggle to live with it…
The Boss sighs deeply. Q feels put on the spot by what the Boss has shared with him. He knows that any trite simplistic response will be rejected angrily. But what can he say?
- I do hear you.
- Thanks.
- It’s a difficult place to be.
The Boss nods vigorously.
- I God with you in this?
- Hmm… I don’t know…. (The Boss weeps)…. Maybe so…
He weeps some more and lets out a painful sigh. Q stays with him and the Boss feels his presence and somehow is comforted.
- Q your presence with me allows God to be present to me… just like in holy places God can be present… Thank you.
Q nods in recognition.
- You’re welcome.
- Now what about that cup of tea you usually offer me?
Q smiles.
- Sure thing.

Climate Change

Spring

Summer

Summer

Summer

Autumn

Winter



Janober

Febember

Margust

Apuary

Maypril

Janinter

Decing

Sumuary

Octautumn

Poem for people who are disappearing

I have 3 family and friends who have dementia. I wrote a couple of fragments six months apart and realised that fitted together and added some more today.

Poem for people who are disappearing

Mist over the canal
Fog in the brain
When will it clear?

You were a shadow of your former self
But occasionally
You showed
Flashes of the man you had been
Witty, compassionate and painfully honest.

I am getting used to having
The same conversation
Over and over again
I try and live in the moment
When I am with you.

A sense of peace - poem

A Sense of Peace



It’s not been the easiest of days

Maybe just another Lockdown day

Maybe feeling ‘under the weather

Maybe growing too old too soon



And yet….

And yet….



I have family around me

And in the late evening quiet time

A sense of peace envelops me